A New Anthem Awaits: From Anfield to America, Herr Klopp
Tim Howard is 100% sure he could persuade Jurgen Klopp to become USMNT’s next boss, but we thought we’d go the extra 10% and make a truly American and emotional appeal on behalf of Alexi Lalas.
Herr Klopp, my dearest comrade in arms,
The echoes of Anfield may pale in comparison to the battle cries that now beckon you, but a new (not Bruce) arena awaits, a symphony not merely of club glory, but of national destiny. In the sprawling stadiums of this young nation, a fervor stirs, a thirst not for trophies, but for true footballing revolution.
Fear not the specter of Taylor Twellman, for your task is not to resurrect ghosts of the past, but to forge a new legion of warriors. This national team, like raw clay in your masterful hands, awaits your transformative touch - like a skilled orthodontist shapes veneers - each player a shiny new peg born from the rotten cavity that has been the Berhalter era.
You are that orthodontist, Herr Klopp. The USMNT your plasticine.
Heed this call, a challenge worthy of your tactical genius and insatiable hunger for victory. Your name is whispered in reverence, your methods studied with awe. You are not merely a manager, but an inspiration to a generation yearning for greatness. This nation yearns to lay its head upon your bosom, Herr Klopp, and be enveloped in your footballing embrace.
Let us be your new James Milner whose legs have not deserted them.
We shall be your loyal soldiers, our legs tireless, our hearts ablaze with passion. The riches of this land would make a Premier League owner weep with envy, and the potential for glory stretches as far as the eye can see. More vast than the American landscape itself.
A landscape where ‘du wirst niemals alleine gehen,’ Herr Klopp.
Fear not the uncharted territory. Life here is not for the timid tactician. The pitch is populated with willing runners hailing from every corner of this glorious nation whose parents can afford it, each yearning for their chance to etch their names in American soccer lore and seek redemption from the punditry of Clint Dempsey.
But for a man of your fervor, it is a canvas upon which to paint a masterpiece
Think of the legacy you could forge, the dynasty you could build. You could be American Soccer’s next Jurgen, your name chanted in unison with the founding fathers of American soccer, who first played upon settling on these shores, what Native Americans called Pasuckquakkohowog.
Pasuckquakkohowog! A name that echoes through the ages, a rallying cry for a nation yearning for a hero. And you, Herr Klopp, are that hero, whose philosophy will be etched into the very DNA of this untamed footballing nation.
And whose name almost rhymes.
Imagine not merely fist-pumping The Kop, Herr Klopp, but fisting an entire nation roaring your name, their voices united in a symphony of passion:
Jürgen Klopp, he's our boss!
With him in charge, we'll never floss!
From Plymouth Rock, Pasuckquakkohowog,
Hold us closer, Jürgen Klopp!
Cast aside the shackles of the familiar, Herr Klopp. Take up the mantle of leadership and embrace us in this audacious endeavor as we ready ourselves for this glorious crusade.
Destiny favors the fearless, and I believe that your greatest triumphs await on these hallowed grounds.
Together, we shall conquer the World Cup in 2026. Victory shall be ours!
We also offer a competitive remuneration package, 401K, and full medical and dental benefits.
With unwavering resolve,
Alexi Lalas, on behalf of US Soccer.
EURO 2024 Round-up
Where to watch: all TV broadcasters around the globe from UEFA
QF Bracket:
Today’s Quarter Finals:
Spain vs Germany
Portugal vs France
COPA America Round-up
QF Bracket:
Argentina squeezed past Ecuador in a penalty shootout to reach the Copa America semi-finals 4-2 after the game finished 1-1 in 90 minutes. Messi dinking a dodgy Panenka and missing it. [Highlights]
Later today it’s Venezuela vs Canada.
In Other Soccer News
Transfers:
The Guardian’s interactive transfer thing.
And in today’s ‘dubious stuff only top clubs get away with that make a mockery of football’: “UEFA confirm Manchester United and Manchester City will be allowed to compete in European competitions next season alongside clubs who share the same ownership.” (@SkySportsNews)
Stat(s) of the Day
Jan Oblak and Diego Alves are the only goalkeepers to have saved penalties from both Messi and Ronaldo.
The Daily Soccer Quote of the Day
“The Turkey NT coach requested 300 Kebabs in 3 hours. I could hardly believe it. They invited everyone: the staff alone consisted of 150 people, plus security, police, hotel staff etc. One player even ate 3 kebabs. But I won't say who. It's a trade secret!” - Kebab shop owner, Daldar Junaid
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